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"...falling apart all around..."

January 20, 1996
Pushchino

 

Well - what of it? I love you. There's nothing to be said or done about it. This sweet turbulent feeling that -

Mad. Weren't you? This could be heaven for everyone.... Mad. Bad taste? What else....

It was no love at first sight. The first sight wasn't particularly attractive. Protruding teeth and bad temper. Bad.

Bad. And - a whirl of happiness, of radiant joy, of heavenly love. That came to the fore later. And that was it. Deep dark eyes with a devilish spark to them. The exquisite nose, carved lips - and the cute teeth. You were born to be the only one. You've taken my love, stolen my heart, changed my life.... Empty spaces - now that's not true, they're never empty. Your voice has filled them with a tender force like no other.

Who are you?? Stop! Don't break the spell. I know. I've tried so hard to forget you - but that's in the past. You come as a blessing, and it's divine, not evil. I knew it the moment I heard your voice.

#

Utter darkness, depression to the point of toothache, desperate endeavors to grasp the incomprehensible - all of a sudden the sound of the piano. I know that tune! I know that face - those faces... You, you! A sign from God - I know that was you.

I'm all tired out - I take a nap - I hear your voice - a beautiful song whose words or melody I do not remember. The gratitude. The love.

Somebody's lost a brother. Somebody's lost an idol. I haven't lost you. The temptation to give way to tears, to give vent to all the emotions that have been flooding my heart - is barely resistible. For your sake I want to keep silent. Let them think me mad - who cares.

The love for you - a love like no other. People love you - I am proud of their love. Who am I? An unknown admirer. - Can't help that. Look into my eyes and you'll see..... Wish you could.

Your speaking voice is next to unpleasant - yet so lovely. Just like you. Great Art is simple. Flamboyant genius is like a rainbow. Your flamboyant genius. Can't believe you were born of a woman and a man. Who are you?

#

The stage is dark. Then, in a flash of light, there appears a man - a dark silhouette. He moves with a jerk and the light goes out. Piano fades in - a light melody full of silverish silky glamour, glistening in the darkness, soft and quiet, then breaking into oppressive noise - louder - louder - here goes the beat - louder - the guitar - louder - louder - still louder -- The night strolls in, there's a silky moon up in the sky.... This cannot be - and yet.... Four spots of light - one, two, three, - four!! The magic of the voice... The smooth and broken movements... So familiar - so frightening. Mystery? Hell? Heaven! Mother please let me back inside.... I can see your smile. I can hear music - It seems I'm going back to the things I learnt so well - The cacophony breaks into harmony - the melody unfolds in all its gorgeous simplicity - the stream of consciousness - the luxurious melting sound. Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming... Oh - it's bliss!!

#

There's no applause. I'm alone in this audience of the concert-hall of my dream. Starring.... The cast.... Director.... Make up.... Three, four.... While the sun hangs in the sky and the desert has sand... While the waves crush in the sea and meet the land.... Hanging on - clinging to this feverishly unrealistic - surreal - unbelievable dream....

Life goes on - whatever it costs, whomever it takes. Generous be its hand! For it does give.... has it not given me you?

I often wonder if this world is real. Or is it that I'm insane? The most down-to-earth things about you seem divine. She who loves cannot hate. Oh no, she can't. What is love? A fantasy? A phantom? A ghost? Love is you. The world, the Universe is you... We'll just keep on trying till the end of time - till the end of time.... The drums, the guitars, the synthesizers - the voice. The soul. The music. You are loved - you are adored. Be it so forever - till the end of time....

I don't want to sleep with you, I don't need the passion, too. I don't want a stormy affair to make me feel my life is getting somewhere.... Each morning I get up I die a little... Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me - anyway the wind blows --